Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
