I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
