I'm really into asian looking animals
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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