i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
