so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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