I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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