I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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