rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
