you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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