Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
