So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
