Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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