she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
