My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
