watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
