ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
