i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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