New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
