If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
