Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
