i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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