I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
