he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
