He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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