id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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