i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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