I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
