he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
