Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
