life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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