I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
