i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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