The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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