i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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