Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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