once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize