11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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