nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
