i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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