my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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