My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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