I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
