I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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