Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
