Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize