There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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