i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
