and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My bed smells like the plague
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