Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize