Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
