Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
