You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She has the best kind of daddy issues
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
