You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
i now understand why vodka
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize