I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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