the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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