i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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