is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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