my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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