After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
