New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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