So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize