so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
