I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's shark week go big or go home
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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