The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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