So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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